So much has happened since my last post. I took a break from school and work to be a nurse for my Grandmother and to take care of the house for my Grandpa. It was hard. Very stressful. I lost a lot of weight. But it was worth it.
I went on a 3 week family vacation in July/August. We drove across the country. From LA up to DC, NY, and Canada. We went through 21 states, DC, and Canada total. It was wonderful. The hardest part was being in my best friend's mission area. I've realized that I do have very strong feelings for him. I love him. I have for a long time. I doubt anything will happen when he gets home though. But I still want to be around for it. At this point, I've postponed my mission so I can see him. He actually said he wants me there when he gets home. He wants to be able to spend time with me. I'm grateful for that.
I'm back in school now. And I love it. I am so glad to be here. The teachers are wonderful. My room mates are absolutely amazing. I've met this really nice guy up here too. He's about 5.5 years older than me though. He's in my spanish class. We've gone out a few times now. Nothing serious yet. The group of guys he's in has a reputation that isn't so great so I'm just being careful. My room mate's best friend keeps asking me about him. It's almost like he himself is interested and trying to figure out what it is about this guy that I'm attracted to. It is pretty funny. Jacob, my room mate's best friend, is such a sweetheart. I adore him. He just got back from his mission in June. If he wasn't my room mate's best friend, I probably would date him. But that is an iffy area because she likes him. Most girls like their male best friends. He lives really close to us so maybe I'll talk to him about it next time I see him.
I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in tomorrow since I don't have class till 3:15pm. I haven't been sleeping well. The last two nights have been ok but before that, my insomnia was really bad. Speaking of sleep, I have an hour so I'm going to take a nap.
Buh bye!
lm1919
love and life
Love can be a wonderful blessing and a horrible curse. It is said people do stupid things when they are in love.
This is true. I have been in love twice in my life. Both times did not end well. The first ended because of him. We had gotten into an argument and he didn't want to fight anymore. It broke my heart. The second time was harder. I had been thinking about what to do. We had been going through a really hard time. And I wasn't sure yet if I loved him or not. I got my answer to both questions around the same time. I knew I loved him. And it was because of that, that I had to let him go. I was holding him down. There was so much more for him to learn before his mission. I couldn't hold him back any longer. It was time. The whole time as I lay in bed sobbing as we were on the phone I kept wanting to tell him. To say that I did love him. But I knew that it would only make it harder. I could only say it out loud after we hung up. That set me off crying even more. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. To not tell him the whole truth. To only tell him half of it. I've never been a very open person but when it comes to matters like these. Matters of the heart. I try to be as honest as I can. It was killing me inside. But it's in the past. It's over. I guess this is me finally admitting it to myself. Finally getting over it. I saw it coming but decided to look away. I should have just faced reality to begin with. It would have made it much easier.
On a lighter note... kinda. I finally put all my poetry together. What I've posted online on my myspace turned out to be four pages. I have my senior year of high school pretty well documented on there. I was reading through it and was surprised. That was a pretty bad year for me getting sick and all. I used to be pretty good at writing. Showing my emotion. I need to work on that again. I also need to find the poetry I wrote that I didn't put online. I know there is a lot of it. I just don't know what I did with it. This should be interesting...
This is true. I have been in love twice in my life. Both times did not end well. The first ended because of him. We had gotten into an argument and he didn't want to fight anymore. It broke my heart. The second time was harder. I had been thinking about what to do. We had been going through a really hard time. And I wasn't sure yet if I loved him or not. I got my answer to both questions around the same time. I knew I loved him. And it was because of that, that I had to let him go. I was holding him down. There was so much more for him to learn before his mission. I couldn't hold him back any longer. It was time. The whole time as I lay in bed sobbing as we were on the phone I kept wanting to tell him. To say that I did love him. But I knew that it would only make it harder. I could only say it out loud after we hung up. That set me off crying even more. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. To not tell him the whole truth. To only tell him half of it. I've never been a very open person but when it comes to matters like these. Matters of the heart. I try to be as honest as I can. It was killing me inside. But it's in the past. It's over. I guess this is me finally admitting it to myself. Finally getting over it. I saw it coming but decided to look away. I should have just faced reality to begin with. It would have made it much easier.
On a lighter note... kinda. I finally put all my poetry together. What I've posted online on my myspace turned out to be four pages. I have my senior year of high school pretty well documented on there. I was reading through it and was surprised. That was a pretty bad year for me getting sick and all. I used to be pretty good at writing. Showing my emotion. I need to work on that again. I also need to find the poetry I wrote that I didn't put online. I know there is a lot of it. I just don't know what I did with it. This should be interesting...
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life
I'm going up to Utah this weekend!! I'm stoaked! I'm going with my best friends Katie, Wendy, and Graig. We're driving up. We might leave Thursday night, but if not, we're leaving Friday morning for sure. I can't wait!
So my love life has been a drag recently. I have had a guy flake out on me 3 days in a row. It gets me angry. One of the guys I had gone out with before I went to BYU, Brent, has blown me off now. That makes me upset. Spencer, another guy I had gone out with before BYU, just recently broke up with his girl friend. I love talking with him and spending time with him. I really liked before I left, but I'm not sure how things will be now. He got with his ex over the summer. He didn't tell me about her, another friend did. He used to call me all the time at work and say he missed me. And after I got back he had told me he still liked me. We had talked about us a month ago or so and I told him it was really weird for me to see him since he had a gf and I still had feelings for him. That's when it came out that he still had feelings for me too. But now that they aren't together anymore I have no idea what will happen. I still really like him. He is very romantic. He used to sing to me, we would dance in my living room, etc. But I don't want to be the rebound. I don't know what to do. I think I'll just sit back and wait for now.
I met this guy last Sunday at my brother's former missionary companion's report home. His name is Steve. He told me to look him up on facebook so I did. We have been talking ever since. I enjoy talking to him. He's awesome. Unfortunately for me he lives in Provo. But I'll get to see him this weekend. He asked me out actually. He's really excited about me coming. He thinks I'm beautiful. That makes me feel good. I can talk with him and joke around with him so easily. I'm enjoying it.
School is going well. I need to focus a little more however. I've been distracted by new friends and old ones. I think the probably is I'm at Institute too much. There are too many friends there so I can't get any work done there anymore. I think I'll go to the library or somewhere else during my breaks so I don't get so distracted.
That's about all that's going on in my life thats big at the moment.
Bobby reported to the MTC last Wednesday. It's been tough. He and I didn't talk all that much anymore but he was my reminder of Chris. I miss Chris so much. I think him being gone on his mission was much harder than my brother being on his. Chris has been gone for 9 months now but it feels like it's been an eternity. I guess that's because we were so close. I miss hearing his voice. I hand write him letters instead of emailing him because when I get letters back from him it's a comfort to know that he once held what I now am. It's that personal connection that I need right now. My goal is to be transfered up to BYU before he gets home from his mission. I want to be around when he gets back.
Ok. Now that's about it I think. I need to get on here more often and keep it updated.
So my love life has been a drag recently. I have had a guy flake out on me 3 days in a row. It gets me angry. One of the guys I had gone out with before I went to BYU, Brent, has blown me off now. That makes me upset. Spencer, another guy I had gone out with before BYU, just recently broke up with his girl friend. I love talking with him and spending time with him. I really liked before I left, but I'm not sure how things will be now. He got with his ex over the summer. He didn't tell me about her, another friend did. He used to call me all the time at work and say he missed me. And after I got back he had told me he still liked me. We had talked about us a month ago or so and I told him it was really weird for me to see him since he had a gf and I still had feelings for him. That's when it came out that he still had feelings for me too. But now that they aren't together anymore I have no idea what will happen. I still really like him. He is very romantic. He used to sing to me, we would dance in my living room, etc. But I don't want to be the rebound. I don't know what to do. I think I'll just sit back and wait for now.
I met this guy last Sunday at my brother's former missionary companion's report home. His name is Steve. He told me to look him up on facebook so I did. We have been talking ever since. I enjoy talking to him. He's awesome. Unfortunately for me he lives in Provo. But I'll get to see him this weekend. He asked me out actually. He's really excited about me coming. He thinks I'm beautiful. That makes me feel good. I can talk with him and joke around with him so easily. I'm enjoying it.
School is going well. I need to focus a little more however. I've been distracted by new friends and old ones. I think the probably is I'm at Institute too much. There are too many friends there so I can't get any work done there anymore. I think I'll go to the library or somewhere else during my breaks so I don't get so distracted.
That's about all that's going on in my life thats big at the moment.
Bobby reported to the MTC last Wednesday. It's been tough. He and I didn't talk all that much anymore but he was my reminder of Chris. I miss Chris so much. I think him being gone on his mission was much harder than my brother being on his. Chris has been gone for 9 months now but it feels like it's been an eternity. I guess that's because we were so close. I miss hearing his voice. I hand write him letters instead of emailing him because when I get letters back from him it's a comfort to know that he once held what I now am. It's that personal connection that I need right now. My goal is to be transfered up to BYU before he gets home from his mission. I want to be around when he gets back.
Ok. Now that's about it I think. I need to get on here more often and keep it updated.
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so much stuff!
I haven't been on here in a long time. I got distracted with school ending, working 4 jobs, then moving back up to Provo.
So much has happened. I love it up here. I just got back from the gym not too long ago. I worked out and ran 3 miles. I'm training for xcountry again. I miss it. Plus I need something to fall back on incase I dont get into the music program here. I didn't realize how much I missed running until today. It used to be such a huge part of my life. My stress relief. I realize now that it was after I stopped running that I started to lose control of my life in high school.
I miss my friends back home very much. My best friends Katie and Wendy mean the world to me. We consider each other family now. I love them so much. I was lost before I met them. I am forever indebted to Wendy. She went out of her way to talk to me one day in January. Ever since then we've been friends. She introduced me to Katie and pretty much the rest of my friends at institute. She changed my life forever. I am truely happy now. I have amazing friends back home that have the same standards as me and help to lift me when I'm feeling down. Its what I've always wanted in a friendship. Having all your best friends living in a different state from you is difficult so that's why I'm so glad I met them.
My ward is amazing. It is the BYU 51st ward. I love everyone in it. As soon as they found out I moved in, they went out of their way to make sure I felt welcomed. It is everything I have always looked for in a ward. I will be very sad to leave it in August.
I have met some pretty awesome people here. Doug from my ward was the first person from my ward that I met. He is so nice to me. Always happy. Benjamin is also new in the ward. We feel a connection because we're both new. haha. it's stupid but fun. Grant is in my US History class. We talked for the first time on Wednesday. We sat next to eachother in class again today. When I talk to him, it feels like I'm talking to an old friend. Btw- so I dont sound like a pimp or anything, most of my friends are guys. It's always been that way for me ever since I was really young. April lives two doors down from me. She is always so happy to see me. Beth always makes sure I have someone to sit with in church since I go by myself pretty much all the time since my room mate is always off with her boyfriend. There are many others also.
My classes are going great! I love my teachers. They are amazing. My US History teacher reminds me of my dad because he refers to the Simpsons in his lectures. My LDS History teacher used to share an office with my dad when my dad last taught at BYU. He is very fun an energetic.
I've been thinking about Chris a lot recently and I'm not sure why. Maybe just because it's weird for me to be up here and not have him here with me. I miss him terrible. We got really close before he left on his mission. He told me he thought of me as his best friend. That he could tell me anything. We talked about everything pretty much. I miss his phone calls and texts. I miss his voice. It wasn't this hard for me when my brother left on his mission. It's weird. I keep having a memory with him from last summer come back. I can close my eyes and its so vivid. like i was there again. I write him letters regularly. But letters just aren't the same thing. He's been gone for over 6 months now. It's gone by so fast. I know he's doing what the Lord wants him to do so that makes it a little easier for me.
oh man, it's only 3:10pm and I've done so much today. I worked from 4am-7:30am. Came home. Added the finishing touches to my paper. Went to class from 10am-about 11:40am. Came home and checked my mail and stuff. Then got my shoes and went to the gym for over an hour. I feel so accomplished but I have no idea as to what I'm going to do the rest of the day. I'm really tired so I know I'll take a nap. I also need to get started on my next paper. And get most of my hw done. Fun times.
Wish me luck!!
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adventures in my love life...
so i was home alone today working on my paper thats due tomorrow and spencer shows up. it was a very pleasant surprise. He was going to try to help me with my paper but he was more of a distraction. We ended up watching music videos, dancing to the songs, and almost falling asleep on the couch. it was a lot of fun. He really wants to kiss me. its driving him crazy. we talked about it a little today. the truth is that since ive never kissed anyone before im scared to do it. i want it to be memorable and not something i regret. plus i dont think im ready for that yet. especially not since im moving soon. ive been thinking about it recently. i still think a kiss is something you give to the one you want to spend eternity with. but how do i tell spencer that. how do i say i like you but you're not the one im going to marry so i wont kiss you? its really been bugging me. I feel bad. almost like maybe we should just end it so he could find someone who will kiss him. i dunno. he has kissed me on the cheek a bunch of times. i dont mind that its just the kissing on the lips i dont do. it sounds stupid to most people i know. and maybe im just being stupid. maybe ive been wrong this whole time. ugh! i dont like not knowing things. it drives me crazy!!
but either way. he was over for like almost 3 hours. He told me that Brent asked him about me. Brent said we had gone out a couple times. I told spencer it was more than a couple times. we had been dating since september. 9 months is not a couple times. he makes me laugh. i guess he was trying to make it seem like it was nothing to get spencer to talk. spencer told him we had hung out a few times but not gone out. and that is true. we haven't gone on any official 'will you go out with me' dates. just 'want to go to fhe with me tonight' or 'hey come visit me at work right now' type things.
im really falling for him and im kind of scared. i know i shouldn't be but i am. last time i really fell for someone like this he hurt me really bad. im scared to go through that again but i know i will someday. it makes it a little easier knowing i have best friends here now who can and will help me if and when it does happen.
on a lighter note... i am so stoaked about going to provo this weekend!! i can't wait! i have one more test tomorrow and my paper is due and then im done!! yay! well done for a month. lol. i can't wait to see everyone up there again! i miss ya'all so much!!
ok. i really should finish my paper. ive been at just over one page for like 3 hours now. hahaha. oopps!
but either way. he was over for like almost 3 hours. He told me that Brent asked him about me. Brent said we had gone out a couple times. I told spencer it was more than a couple times. we had been dating since september. 9 months is not a couple times. he makes me laugh. i guess he was trying to make it seem like it was nothing to get spencer to talk. spencer told him we had hung out a few times but not gone out. and that is true. we haven't gone on any official 'will you go out with me' dates. just 'want to go to fhe with me tonight' or 'hey come visit me at work right now' type things.
im really falling for him and im kind of scared. i know i shouldn't be but i am. last time i really fell for someone like this he hurt me really bad. im scared to go through that again but i know i will someday. it makes it a little easier knowing i have best friends here now who can and will help me if and when it does happen.
on a lighter note... i am so stoaked about going to provo this weekend!! i can't wait! i have one more test tomorrow and my paper is due and then im done!! yay! well done for a month. lol. i can't wait to see everyone up there again! i miss ya'all so much!!
ok. i really should finish my paper. ive been at just over one page for like 3 hours now. hahaha. oopps!
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